Low ABVs

Low ABV 50 – Beer Hates Astronauts Revisited

For the big Low 5-0, we revisit a favorite re-release from Half Acre, their Citra & Vienna SMaSH IPA that has something to do with a comic book. We also throwback to our first review of an early batch of this beer about three years ago, and find out how scarily prophetic we truly were. There’s also some talk of Deloreans, service desk beers, and mule shaving. Thanks for your continued support Patreon patrons!

Low ABV 49 – On Tour Low Boy

We almost missed maibock season yet again, but we get into the spirit the best we can with On Tour Brewing’s Low Boy – a tasty, crisp, and toasty maibock. But we also talk about Junior Spivey, out-of-control teens, our pyramid scheme, Craig’s yacht, and the most ridiculous thing in beer trading. Also, we make a good case for why the crowler is the best beer invention to come around for a long time.

Low ABV 48 – Spotted Cows

An old twist on the gateway classic, Spotted Cow Grand Cru is New Glarus’ attempt at amplifying perfection, so we take a go at it alongside a bottle of the original Spotted Cow. Craig talks about his rental car, the true meaning behind “Whoomp! There It Is” in the glorious year of 19Ryan3, and we talk about deconstructing beers.

Low ABV 47 – Bearded Iris Scatterbrain

We’re really inspired by the name of this beer as we go in many random directions whilst enjoying this Bearded Iris Scatterbrain IPA sent to us by Matt Milam. There’s a shout-out to our most-frequent e-mailer, that juicy thick look, the LoMaNoMa clarion call, and Mrs. Batfire.

Low ABV 46 – Wicked Weed Brett Tyranny

The beer world has been nervously awaiting our official statements on the Wicked Weed buyout, so we get on our high horses who then climb atop two horse-sized soap boxes, and we take you through our reflective periods of rage and bewilderment whilst concluding absolutely nothing. And this beer is an excuseless abomination of aging gone wrong, so we get to riff on that a while. And there’s Ryan’s 3-Tier beer buying system, and Craig’s disbelief about the Trader Joe’s hidden animal game.

Low ABV 45 – Pizza Boy Hampden IPA

We had some leftover Pizza Boy from our episode, and we were happy to try this IPA named after the township they call home. Craig’s mind is on high creamy alert; we discuss the time zone/T-shirt size conversion; Ryan overcharges his dad card; and we measure our BPMs. Also, Craig makes a noise I’ve never heard come out of a human before – stay tuned to the end to find out which one!

Low ABV 44 – Hoof Hearted ….Best Fwendz

hoof hearted

A delicious hoppy beer with the best label Ryan has ever seen, Hoof Hearted makes our dreams come true, woo ooh, ooh, ooh, woo ooh. We give you the ultimate Hall & Oates pneumonic, Robitussin lambic, and a preview of Craig in prison. There’s also this race horse name game that gets kind of dark and gross. I can’t go for that, no-oh.

Low ABV 43 – Brew Gentlemen Albatross

Oddly appropriate for the 4/20 release date, looking into this beer is like walking through a clambaked dorm room. Or a glass of melted butter. Or a pineapple milk cocktail. We’re a bit obsessed with how interesting this one looks – but do we like the way it tastes? Find out in this inconclusive Low ABV! There’s also stuff about Wood Fridays, session BA stouts, wasted dad cards, mutey fruities, and dumb assholes on Untappd. One Fruit Machete, please!

Low ABV 42 – Stone Mint Coffee Milk Stout

After reviewing a recent rash of not-so-impressive Stone beers, we give them another chance because this is a $5 bomber. And it’s pretty good! But Craig’s brain is definitely broken on this one, yet we still manage to talk about eating American flags in protest, how Ryan sacrificed his Quick Chop™ for this show, and – of course – candy.

Low ABV 41 – Cruz Blanca el Train

The second bottled release from Cruz Blanca Cerveceria, this big American IPA features a loco amount of Citra, Mosaic, and Simcoe hops. It makes us very hungry for Cruz Blanca food, which we talk about at length. There’s also plans for Craig’s Leaden With Zelda podcast and Cool Water-scented edibles. But this episode will likely go down as The One About the Body Rap. Body body. Rap raprap.

Low ABV 40 – Just Peachy

Two beers are on the table for this one, Sierra Nevada’s Peach IPA and Odell’s Tree Shaker Imperial IPA with peaches, courtesy of Ryan’s mixed 12-pack addiction. One is a welcome addition to the orchard, and the other is….okay. We also talk about bad label copy, competitive eating, #fartwoke, and a bunch of font nerdery. It’s the pits! (Get it?!??!)

Low ABV 39 – Transient & Mikerphone Exsqueeze Me

Exqueese Me

Bring your toothbrush, your toothpaste, and a flannel for your face, because we’re going to squeeze some content out of this juicy collab. East Coast Ed is with us as we yammer on about public domain songs, XRT, Craig’s vet dentist, and a time before happy birthday. OPA!

Low ABV 38 – Cookie Dough Beer

The Number One Craft Beer Podcast For Fat Kids© delivers yet again by opening the collaboration between Ben & Jerrys and New Belgium, their Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ale. But of course we have the ice cream as well, resulting in a surprising beer float. This triple extra large show also has a bunch of talk about weed and candy, and then there’s a game about Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavors. Eat away your feelings with us.

Low ABV 37 – Noon Whistle Magie Noire

Style lines are heavily blurred with this Mosaic-hopped black saison from Noon Whistle, but we are clear as day with our appreciation of it. Craig drops the best session beer name, Ryan wants to get oily, and we rekindle our flame for Cascadian dark ales. Also, we’re totally serious about that Whirlyball idea. Hit us up!

Low ABV 36 – BCBCS 2012

This dusty cellar grab is not exactly bursting with coffee flavor, but it is still a Bourbon County stout at its core, so it is still a syrupy throat-coating pleasure. And just like that last sentence, things suddenly turn way gross on this episode. We also take a cookie break and do a little blending experiment.

Low ABV 35 – Stone Chocolate Coffee Enjoy By 2.14.17

Our tribute to lovers for Valentine’s Day is the two of us sensually drinking this putrid-smelling IPA thing from Stone. Most importantly, we have definitive proof that Craig was drunk in a Whole Foods, and we learn the one very important rule at Craig’s Brothel.

Low ABV 34 – Transient Radleresque (with grapefruit and ginger)

Well, we certainly have a type. It’s yet another Transient beer: this one an unexpectedly bombastic radler. In this short installment, we are like a well-oiled machine of alternating beer reviews and yuk-em-ups, mixed in with some esophageal screaming and a touch of tick talk. Fix yourself a bowl of sour milky nuggets and get ready for a mouth-puckering good time.

Low ABV 33 – Triptych AJ’s Stout

Ryan enacts the Dadcast with this barrel-aged ode-to-fatherhood stout, but that also goes off the rails into things like 1-800-Hoplines, the Tingleverse, liquid Rolos, and a luge in your mouth. There’s also an update on some Triptych stuff, including a possible Chicago presence. But then Craig affectionately uses the term “dumb shit beers” and Ryan plays God with BA Stoutgueuze.

Low ABV 32 – De Garde Black Raz Bu

From our experience, De Garde’s Berliners have the potential to be the most complex yet refined around, or an all-out assault on your esophagus. This one is the latter as we are straight up Shaq-attacked by acid. We also discuss the Mandela effect, blending experiments, and Ryan’s drunkest moments.

Low ABV 31 – The Juice Is Loose

Our old friends at Transient take on the New England-style DIPA trend with this highly-desired juicy brew, and we review it the day it was canned. But we also talk about words that make us feel good, retired slogans, O.J. Simpson, Craig’s porn secret, Sunny D, and a shocking Chicago brewing conspiracy theory. The taste is gonna move ya!™

Low ABV 30 – One Azacca, Two Azacca

Brewers are always searching for the next big thing in hops, and maybe they’ve found it in this relatively new American dwarf hop called Azacca. So we try two beers that feature it prominently: Founders’ Azacca IPA and Hop Butcher’s Mellotron DIPA. We actually learn a little on this one, but there’s tons of diversions including rollerskating and Photon memories, Kirby’s Big A, predatory pricing, the chunk factor, and where the magic actually happens.

Low ABV 29 – Peppermint Milkstachio

So this is Christmas, and what have you done? Another beer older, and the peppermint’s…not……fun. Well golly, we size up this here peppermint version of Hop Butcher & DryHop’s Milkstachio and talk about Craig’s worries for the youth of today, how Pentatonix saved Christmas, hand growlering in public, and our one holiday beer wish. Happy Holidays & Merry Christmas! Now go work off that cookie weight!

Best of Games, Volume 1

Once every few episodes, we like to test our trivial knowledge on topics that are only tangentially related to beer. This collection features games from our first year or so of episodes, and you’ll hear “Jam Band or Flim Flam?”, “Name that Biblical Figure & A Celebrity”, “Who said it: Phyllis Schlafly or Nelly?”, “Founding Fathers Trivia”, “Name That Russian”, and “Real Dark Horse Beer or Something Ryan Made Up?”

Low ABV 28 – Trillium Citra Cutting Tiles

We ready our Trillium chubbies for another hopsterpiece™ but find this one falling a bit short of our admittedly high expectations. We raise awareness of ESS, tell tales of grapefruit, envision a nightmarish future, and wonder, why stop at double-dry hopping? Like, really?

Low ABV 27 – Miller High Life/Off Color Eeek!

The line between craft and macro has OFFICIALLY been crossed by this beer, as the unlikely bedfellows of Off Color and MillerCoorsTrumpCo collaborate to bring us a surprisingly awesome tart wild ale. But mostly this episode is about Mr. Belvedere and that time he sat on his own balls. Who cares?

Low ABV 26 – Triptych Dank Meme

We know from Episode 141 that Triptych does some badass beers, but how do they fare in the Eastern Seaboard-inspired juicy pale ale territory? We find out! Ryan flexes his pitiful self-righteous muscle, Craig talks a lot about dumb memes, and we wonder why all the flocculation hate. I miss malt.

Low ABV 25 – Coffee Pales

This one could be subtitled “Craig doesn’t know” as in “,,,what he wants”; “…the difference between light and dark roasts”, “…why Rosa Parks is standing”; “…how to act in a Dunkin’ Donuts” and so on.  For our reviews, we drink Founders’ Pale Joe and Maplewood’s Guatemalan Bam Bam – both supposedly coffee pale ales. And Ryan gets to try out his new pervy voice. Gross.

Lost Episode #1 – BCBS 2013

Intended to be Episode #1, this long-eluded-to show is a disastrous and entertaining look at our earliest days, while we drank one of the best BCBS horizontals of any year. Hear the Proprietors incident that nearly ended the show before it was born (at around the 44 minute mark). Experience our weakass mic discipline. Listen to the tales of Black Friday 2013. Feel the male moaning. Tremendous thanks to all of our Patreon Patrons, have a happy Thanksgiving, and good luck out there on Friday.*Recorded November 30th, 2013

Low ABV 23 – PC Pils

Craig’s mistake is our listeners’ gain, as it’s just Ryan and MC Johnsen on this show with a little golden hoppy pils from Founders. We talk a lot about beards and spicy beers. And spicy beards. It gets pretty crazy, perfectly conversational, pleasantly comical, passively critical, partially chocolate, patronizingly creamy, perpetually cantankerous, and preposterously captivating.

Low ABV 22 – Dangerous Man Chocolate Milk Stout

It’s another beer from Jeb as he gave us a growler of a chocolate milk stout from Minneapolis’ Dangerous Man Brewery, and we Jackie-Chan this episode by using no stunt doubles. There are hissing cockroaches, extreme Microsoft Office, a game of “Is That Mold?”, a Prop. proposal, Charlie Papazian trash talk, and some singing that takes us way off the rails. Did I mention that we drink and review the beer too? No? Well, we do.

Low ABV 21 – Hop Butcher Paris on the Prairie

Hop Butcher’s saison is anything but traditional: hopped with Nelson Sauvin and then sweetened up with some lavender honey. We review this after having recorded an episode of the regular show, so naturally, Craig babbles on about his 19 steps from Everclear to Katy Perry. We also talk the genius behind Hop Butcher’s labels, bomber fatigue, and Chicago nicknames. #drinkbroke

Low ABV 20 – Bent Paddle Venture Pils & Hop Forest

Listener Jeb hooked us up with some pocket beers from Duluth, MN’s Bent Paddle brewing, and we drink them. There’s a lot of cereal talk with quality control problems, dreams of crunchberry trees, and Ryan admitting he has a cereal problem. And to really solidify our childishness, we end by talking about burps and farts.

Low ABV 19 – Revolution Mosaic Hero

There’s an odd bitterness on this one – in the beer’s taste and our salty conversation! It’s another Hero beer from Revolution, but this time with the super-sexy Mosaic hop leading the charge. We explain why we’re not big in Japan, wonder where all the good beer stores have gone, summon Garfield again, and finally provide our opinion on Ben Folds. Also, we talk a bit about Marion St. Cheese Market – rest in peace, sweet prince.

Low ABV 18 – Old Style Oktoberfest

We’re dealing out audio sauerkraut to all you seasonal creeps, with a side of dog-fermented beer and warm jerky. Old Style hasn’t released a new recipe in 15 years, and this throw-back Oktoberfest is a “limited” release – limited for a Pabst property, at least. Find out if you should go pick up a cube. There’s time to kill before the Slimer-only edit.

Low ABV 17 – New Glarus Bubbler

New Glarus’ Bubbler is an open-fermented hefeweiss, and like everything they do, it’s perfection. We tell the story of the Bubbler, but then just go on about mystic Tootsie Pop wrappers, aged labels, Limburger pairings, and the quality of Woodman’s. If it’s good enough for Lafler…

Low ABV 16 – Mikerphone Get Fresh Flow

Another delicious hoppy Mikerphone beer? That’s not surprising. What IS surprising is how we talk a lot about Sunny D and head goo, try and fail at naming some Beach Boys beers, and tell a story about my boi Peter Gabriel and a pizza delivery driver.

Low ABV 15 – Creature Comforts Athena

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting throught the wind, wanting to start again? Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin like a house of cards, one blow from caving in? Do you ever feel already buried deep six feet under scream but no one seems to hear a thing? Do you know that there’s still a chance for you ‘cause there’s a spark in you. You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. Just own the night like the Fourth of July. ‘Cause baby you’re a firework! Come on show ’em what you’re worth. Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!” as you shoot across the sky-y-y.

Low ABV 14 – BA Kopi Luwak Speedway

After three years in a box, Ryan finally finds an occasion to open this massive beer and it does not disappoint. We review the 2013 Barrel Aged Kopi Luwak Speedway Stout from AleSmith (*gasping breath*) in all its lusciousness. Pour yourself a room temperature stout and settle in for a story about Ryan’s first and last beer smuggling experience.

Low ABV 13 – Master Shredder

Thanks to Richmond, VA’s The Veil Brewing for the naming choice on this beer, as it just opens the door for a hell of a lot of TMNT and video game talk. We try to recast April O’Neil, wonder if all turtles are buff, and discuss the potential for Krang & Shredder slashfic. There’s also another stunning revelation about Craig’s food ignorance. And I guess we talk about the beer?

Low ABV 12 – Beer Camp Sample

Earlier this summer, Sierra Nevada dropped this $40 12-pack gangbang, and we popped open two beers featuring collaborative input from Half Acre, Dark Horse, Odell, Melvin, and Perennial, just to name a few. But does it really matter? We also talk about rained-soaked cakes, stupid beer cost math, and hop burritos.

Low ABV 11 – Falsa Noctus

We got this old black saison from Brooklyn’s Other Half for this Low ABV, and it’s kind of underwhelming. But never have you heard such talk of Vocaloids, tantric Sting, Shannon Tweed, scrambled porn, Craig’s hatred of geometrical lines, and another diss on Byron Allen. WHO WILL UNLEASH THE COMICS NOW, BY-RON?

Low ABV 10 – Moody Tongue BA Chocolate Barleywine

It’s so crazy, it just has to work! This delectable chocolate treat is our guest of honor on this Low ABV, and we treat it to a night of straight Hoobastank. We talk about the beer’s origin story, hideous mutations, Cadbury mini-eggs (for the hundredth time), living with the Pizzle, and smugglin’ Craig.

Low ABV 9 – Mtn Dew Black Label

What happens when extreme…grows up? We review a “crafted berry soda” on this show, because we kind of thought it was beer. Little does Ryan know that he becomes the enabler as Craig relives his Mountain Dew addiction period, and we all reflect a little bit about this silly little thing called LIFE.

Low ABV 8 – Tocayo 

I mean, how comfortable are linen pants? This topic, and more, on this Low ABV, possibly the drunkest one we’ve ever recorded. We drink Rick Bayless’ new corporate beerjuice Tocayo, and hey, it’s pretty good. We get excited about Cruz Blanca, fantasize about tacos, and finish toucans to completion. 

Low ABV 7 – Boom Sauce

MC Johnsen brought this Lord Hobo Boom Sauce back for us to taste, and we all do that for a portion of this recording. Mostly we talk about movie trailer nü metal bands, Batman onomatopoeia, and Mountain Dew addiction. But this is the episode that will forever be remembered as the one where Craig tells a story about eating a 27-inch hot dog. It’s everything you dreamed it would be. Stand by your papaya.

Low ABV 6 – Alfalfa Kang

Off Color, 3 Floyds, and Wiseacre got together to make a decent pale ale and then threw in some alfalfa for questionable results. Craig’s kidney rejects from his body, we talk about drinking from unclean lines, and there’s a whole lot of food talk.

Low ABV 5 – GFY Coffee

Chicago’s own Spiteful makes killer beers – this isn’t exactly one of them. But it’s ok, because it allows us to read label babble, misinterpret “on fleek”, predict the future, and put everything on someone’s ass. We also crinkle our previously smooth continuity and reveal that we were left behind. Gestate foreign yolks. Grab Frieda’s yerba. Guess Felix’s yearnings. Gravitate forever, Yanni.

Low ABV 4 – Tuesday

Listener and Patron Danny Pauley hooked us up with a Cycle Brewing Tuesday – a brewery-only “garbage” stout. It’s not garbage. But our mouths are garbage, as we take on broom handles, Nestle Quikheads, identical food orders, logic puzzles, and Dennis’ semen book. I’m turning this into poop.

Low ABV 3 – Becoming

The Rare Barrel’s beers cost a goddamn fortune, and we’re opening one for you, Patreon Patrons! Becoming is a blended barrel-aged golden sour with boysenberries, and we keep waiting for it to become…better? But then there’s all this shit about hidden tracks, Aaron Sorkin, RuPaul, and beerfest beers. And it all ends with another classic Craig fadeout.

Low ABV 2 – Buckledown Clencher DIPA

We crack a fresh can of the Citra-forward Clencher DIPA from local Lyons brewer Buckledown and give it the ol’ review treatment. Also there’s Jeopardy tidbits, mac n’ cheese beers, SMaSH desires, a questionable Revolution, and some 90’s alternative rock radio karaoke.

Low ABV 1 – Take Two Pils 

It’s a Pils showdown on our first Patreon exclusive episode, as we pit two new “Chicago” pilsners against each other with the locally-brewed Rev Pils from Revolution taking on the AB plant-manufactured Four Star Pils from Goose Island. We get raw from the get-go, swing some hammers, and confess to our macro love. Thanks to our Patrons – we hope you enjoy!